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Chair Vigilante

Look, the thing about living in a city is that we're ALL living in the city. Sometimes there ain't enough to go around, and you deal with it in a mature and acceptable manner. If you can't, get out of the freaking city.

Because it's snowed again, and if the forecast is to be believed, it will snow a LOT.

So it's annoying when I come home, see a parking space in front of my apartment ... and can't use it because some Absolute Cock has put a couple of chairs in the space.

That, good sir, is BULLSHIT.

The first time I heard about such a practice, I was stunned. Do people actually DO that? Are people actually that selfish? Did their mothers never teach them about sharing?

But they do. And, in my neighborhood at least, a LOT. Is this just another example of the typical lazy, cocky American? The "My shit is more important than anyone else's" attitude?

I'm not talking about reserved parking. I'm not talking about driveways. This is just regular, residential street parking. It does not belong to anyone. It belongs to EVERYONE. Sometimes you'll get home and there'll be a spot in front of your house. Sometimes you'll have to park several blocks away. Those are the same chances EVERYONE has, and it's the only fair way to do things.

So YOU CAN'T SAVE THE SPACE FOREVER AND EVER. It just doesn't work that way. And in the Chicago winter, which is bitterly cold for ALL concerned, it's even more of a dick move.

And I've had it.

The first time this vexed me, some weeks back, I thought about just picking up the chairs and parking there anyway. Saying, in effect: "No, you CAN'T do that." But I would like to return to a car that is drivable, and not a block of ice. So I myself parked three blocks away.

But when I came back, and passed that spot, I removed the chairs. First scanning my surroundings for approaching cars, shady lurkers, or prowling wolves. Working quickly and leaving an empty space, openly inviting any soul to park.

As it should be.

That first time I just moved the chairs to the curb. But from now on I think I'll move them to the alley. Preferably next to the trash bins. Just to make the lesson clear.

That being:


And thus, I become the Chair Vigilante.


( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 15th, 2009 02:44 am (UTC)
Do you have a costume figured out yet?! or at least a mask?
Jan. 15th, 2009 03:40 am (UTC)
But of course!

Unfortunately, it's already taken.
Jan. 15th, 2009 02:46 am (UTC)
Well, I wouldn't want to be the guy who parked in that spot, who would be mistaken for the chair-mover, and coming back to a busted windshield.
Jan. 15th, 2009 02:50 am (UTC)
And then you call the police, and you start an investigation. And you press charges, or you wait around and see who comes for the chairs, then you drag him into an alley and put your thumbs thru his eyes, because he deserves nothing less for being a sociopathic pile of shit.
Jan. 15th, 2009 03:46 am (UTC)
I can't deny that part of the idea appeals to my Fomentor of Chaos aspect.

But yes, if such a situation were to lead to someone who clearly never learned how to Play Well With Others having to face the consequences of their actions ... well, that wouldn't be entirely bad.

Jan. 15th, 2009 02:55 am (UTC)
I ran into this last winter and some jack ass had blocked a space with some milk crates and a two by four. I laughed and pulled right over it since my van had enough clearance. Some guy yelled out of an apartment window at me. I shrugged and walked off.
Nothing happened to the van. If it had I'd have been kicking down a door in that apartment and seeing if some people could fly.
Jan. 15th, 2009 04:36 am (UTC)
Let us all hope that you never have to put your money where your mouth is.

While I agree that the chair thing is really, really shitty, some people are very serious about it. Violently serious. Be careful, is all I'm saying.
Jan. 16th, 2009 01:57 am (UTC)
True I don't want to hurt people either. However I have no use for sociopaths, nor does society in general. We as a society should not tolerate it.
Jan. 15th, 2009 04:03 am (UTC)
This is another time that a flame thrower would come in handy. Nothing would teach them a lesson like turning their chairs into smoldering piles of ash.
Jan. 15th, 2009 01:56 pm (UTC)
I LIKE the way you think.

I would find some dude with a snow blower or plow and PAY HIM MONEY to dump as much snow in that spot as I could. Or hell, shovel it myself. That would be hilarious! Dig your precious chairs out you dick.

Edited at 2009-01-15 01:57 pm (UTC)
Jan. 16th, 2009 02:05 am (UTC)
Or better we chuck the chairs to the curb and we help dig each others cars out, when we see someone stuck trying to get out of a spot we should stop to help and push.

But then again we should also move over to help allow people to merge on the highway.

As I pointed out to Andy too many people are worthless piles of shit in the world. Still I will try.
Jan. 16th, 2009 02:08 am (UTC)
LOL, yeah, sure, take the high ground :) Today when I dug my car out I finished shovelling the snow left in front of the garage I park next to. Seriously, if everyone would just shovel their cars out, even if they have to do it more than once, we'd more than clear the streets.
Jan. 23rd, 2009 05:23 pm (UTC)
Apparently Chicago is finally getting around to cracking down on this sort of thing.
( 13 comments — Leave a comment )

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